<static>...that every dog can find a home.
And now over to a rare interview with 'Chewers' Monty, the new manager of the Southland Sinners.
Q Changing couch in mid-league is a serious problem. As the league's newest coach, do you feel your lack of experience is going to be a drag on your team's performance
A They haven't won a single match. I'm not sure how I could hurt.
Q It's true the Sinners have had a poor start to their first season. How do you hope to turn this around?
A Well, I'm trying out a new strategy. It's called, 'winning a game'. The players aren't too clear on how it works, but I have faith that they'll pull it together.
Q Do you really think that's going to make a difference?
A I certainly hope so. It's partly a question of motivation. I've mostly been looking at cheerleaders...
Q The Sinners may sign up a cheerleading squad?
A No, I just like looking at cheerleaders. But come to think of it, that's not a bad idea. I've been looking at some of the techniques pioneered by the Overhyped Ninjas, and I'm hoping to duplicate some of that success.
Q Are you referring to their controversial new blitz technique, or their synthesis of a running and passing game?
A I was thinking more of their fans storming onto the pitch and killing off the opposition players. Just brilliant! Pimping out their doc to treat the opposition players they injured, well, it's not often in the League you see a sharp accounting play like that.
Q It's worth turning to the Ninjas for just a moment, since they are not only your next league opponents, but also formed the opposition for a recent practice game. Now I know the details of that game are a closely guarded secret, but...
A Oh, we won.
Q How the blazes?!?.. Ahem! I mean, you did?
A Well yes. Not exactly a clean result though. We'd just lost possession when the fans started chanting about rules violations so loudly that the ref got confused and sent himself off the pitch. In the ensuing mayhem we mobbed the Ninja's thrower, broke through, and scored.
Either way, I'm not sure how much we learned there except that our fans are a loyal and resourceful bunch. But we can't just leave fan behaviour to chance. The referee's guild has asked us to take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again, so I've taken the unusual step of printing a request to each fan not to indulge in rowdy behaviour...
Q Well that's very responsible-
A ...on the side of these free six-packs of beer we'll be giving away at the start of the next match.
Q Are you really trying to orchestrate fan violence?
A Oh you can't really orchestrate these things. The best you could possibly do would be to somehow smuggle military grade hallucinogens into the crowd and trick the fans into taking them. I don't see how anyone could do that. Beer?
Q Oh, ah, thanks. Maybe later. So what tactics will your players be using in the upcoming games?
A I can't tell you everything, of course, but we're experimenting with a maneuver I call 'goblin in the middle'. We position our sole goblin player in front of the opposition Ogre, supported by two team mates. At a key point in the game, the goblin moves forward to block. The other players look like they're supporting but at the last moment they feint and move back. Our goblin gets flattened.
Q And this helps you...how?
A Not exactly help, but it's pretty funny to watch. I thought I'd get tired of it after the first few times, but no.
Q How would you answer critics who claim that you don't have anything new to bring to the team, and that the Sinner's losing streak will continue?
A Well, there's a grain of truth to that. I can't bring in new players, new staff, or even more money. So it comes down to what you think makes a great Blood Bowl side? Is it the skills of the players, the tactics of the couch, the frenzy of the fans, or just plain luck? We might have a wood elf who tripped over his own feet on a touchdown run, a Norseman who knocked himself out on a key play, and several linemen who spend more time on their backs than on their toes, but I believe it can be made to work. And I am bringing in new formations, new plays, and a collection of interesting photographs of various match officials. who knows what we will achieve?
Q Who indeed, and it's back to the studio
The recent 4-1 victory for the Overhyped Ninjas over the beleaguered Sinners was yet another resounding boost for the seemingly unbeatable Ninjas, but has it left the Sinners daunted? We went to Sinners new manager, 'Chewers' Monty to get his reaction on the outcome of what, for him, is the first game of season.
Q: A disappointing result, surely for the Sinners, in yet another defeat.
A: Not at all. I mean yes, I would have preferred to actually win the game, but clearly the players need more time to adapt. The plays we had practiced worked surprisingly well.
Q: Can you give me an example?
A: Well, take that beautiful touchdown we scored. A mastery of coordination. First off, a massive pitch invasion by our ever-loyal and increasingly violent fans...
Q: The match was certainly marred by fan violence. Fans injured three players forced off the pitch, stormed the pitch to claim three more players, and injured or killed some seven thousand fans!
A: Almost all of them Ninja players or supporters. Beautiful. You can't buy loyalty like that...
Q: Not cheaply anyway. How many free beers did you give away during the game?
A: Oh, not many. About 40000. But I was telling you about the touchdown...
Q: Yes. After the fans stormed the pitch...
A: The squad pulled off a beautiful box around the ball carrier, a quick bait and switch, and a beautiful throw to the touchdown zone.
Q: Which was missed.
A: well yes, but it bounced around and back into his hands. A textbook play.
Q: A bit of fluke wasn't it?
A: Well a textbook fluke then.
Q: Well you certainly seem undaunted by your 4-1 defeat. Any other highlights?
A: Oh yes, our 'goblin in the middle' play worked wonders.
Q: That's the one where you put up your goblin alone against the opposition ogre?
A: Oh yes, that worked wonders. The ogre spent most of the time chasing the little guy around, pushing about, but not actually managing to knock him over. Fantastic footage we got there.
Q: He did manage to knock him over once though.
A: Well yes, towards the end of the match.
Q: And injure him.
A: Yes...
Q: In fact, he killed him.
A: Well yes, technically. Clinically dead, certainly. But he got better. Apothecaries are wonderful people.
Q: Any other individuals you'd care to single out for special mention.
A: 'Day Care' Watson won most valued player, and I'd say he's definitely one to watch. Oh, and our wood elf catcher.
Q: Him? But he spent almost the entire game knocked out!
A: Quite. In our practice game he managed to collapse while doing a simple leap, get tackled by an ogre, and collapse from running too hard. This time he was KO'd three times in the same match, and managed a total of one move in the entire game.
Q: And you want to mention him?
A: Oh yes. And if he plays like that in his next game, I'll be mentioning his home address too.
And now over the recent draw between the Saluters and the Southland Sinners. Our reporter 'Chuckles' Omaha caught a post-match interview with 'Chewers' Monty of the Southland Sinners, just after the game that, unusually, they didn't lose.
Q: A triumphant result to boost the spirits of the Sinners?
A You're telling me, those cheerleaders really know how to throw a party!
Q oh.. ah... So you think the cheerleaders have had a good effect on the team?
A On the who? Oh yes, the team. Yes, yes I'm sure they have.
Q Although I was actually asking about the game that's just been played. A triumph, considering the team's recent record?
A: Well, we didn't lose. 2-2 is better than previous results, but I really thought we had the game in the bag.
Q: So is this a sign that the Sinners are finally on the road to improvement.
A: Oh, I think so. In the second half we had what I would call a real 'textbook' play. Punched straight through the opposition line and had two catchers and a lineman through the gap before the opposition could even move. Beautiful stuff.
Q: And we can just see this play on our screen now, with a breach being made by just to the right of the central area there, 'Day care' Watson looking good, just pushing the opposition aside, Gregory Razorback heading through the hole. The thrower is on the move, and that's a perfect pass to Gregory, and he's storming down the line, shoving the one opponent out of his way as he goes, and he's reached the touchdown zone and....
A ...and dropped the ball. In the touchdown zone, where it gets scooped up by the opposition who throw it down the field, whip out some kind of magic knife or something so their catcher can down our gnoll, and then then blitz to the endzone. They scored the equalize.
Q So Gregory collapsed of exhaustion, denying you the victory? Disappointing performance surely?
A Well, yes, and for an entirely green player he'd been doing so well up until that point, coming on at half time when our wood elf catcher took his traditional half time KO'd nap. But worse than that were the fans.
Q The fans? But the referee's guild was just saying how well behaved they were. No property destruction, no pitch invasion, a day out for all the family.
A I know, at times I really despair. Where was the true Sinner's spirit? But I'm looking into the problem. I noticed the mysterious lack of any injuries in the match. That Gregory didn't so much collapse as fall into a trance. And you'll noticed that bit where the fans stop doing the wave and start chanting koans of peace and enlightenment?
Q Yes, that was a bit strange. Is this connected to your complaint about Saluter's catering facilities?
A Precisely. I know that the Saluters did some kind of deal with the caterers, and that they were desperately trying to avoid casualties, so I think the management of 'Zen-Fresh Spring Water' and I are going to have words...
Q Another Sinners match, another suspected case of illegal chemicals. And with that, back to the studio!
<click>...but only a win will give them a shot at the title.
And now over to Blood Bowl, where we have another in our regular interviews with the new coach of the Southland Sinners, 'Chewers' Monty. We asked him whether his team was in with a chance at the end-of-year cup:
...ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha...
Um.. are you all right?
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaa! Maha, ha, <wheeze>.
So you don't rate your team's chances then?
Well, it's perfectly feasible. We have to win all our remaining games, everyone else has to lose all their remaining games.
That doesn't seem too...
Then half the league needs to be taken out by a combination of meteor strike, uncontrolled chaotic vortices, plague outbreaks, wandering dinosaurs, cannibal halflings and strategic bus breakdowns in the face onrushing hurricanes. That, combined with us discovering gold in the southern half of the pitch and using the proceeds to buy a brand-new stadium that flies...
...um...
...and travels backwards in time, so we could retake old matches to get more wins under out belt. Then, assuming a massive wave of fan support, a sudden rewriting of the rules, and everyone spontaneously forgetting how to count until the draw was in, we might, just might, get a place in the cup.
So, you're not planning your cup strategy just yet then?
No immediate plans, no.
I don't really how that could ever have been a viable approach...
Well that's just the kind of downbeat attitude that has no place in the Southland Sinners. You can achieve just about anything if you really try. We were in talks with a Cthonic denizen of the lower planes who was offering to incorporate those events into a larger project he called 'Armageddon', but he wanted an awful lot of chanting and candles in return. Also, I was concerned that the End of Days might clash with a scheduled practice session, so eventually I just stopped returning his calls.
So the last two games will be the last we hear of the sinners until first game next year?
Not quite. There is the event that we've all been waiting for! The Crush!
The Crush? Are you hoping for some good luck there?
Luck has little to do with it. As keen fans know, the worse the team's performance, the better their pick. Based the record of the Sinners over this season, I'm expecting a 50 feet tall armoured golem with wings and magical powers.
And if there isn't someone like that in the draw?
Oh, we'd settle for a big guy, like the Argonaut's Kroxigaur, or the Overhyped Ninja's Ogre. Or even a catcher who spent most of the match on his feet, rather than knocked out in the dugout.
But with the Sinner's legendarily poor income at the ticket office, will you be able to afford any good players that do turn up?
Well, having an active fan base is great, when it comes to innovative plays and creative rules interpretations...
You mean dirty tricks and cheating?
... and of course it's invaluable when the time comes to invade the pitch and injure the opposition players, but having such resourceful fans does lead to reduced income at the ticket office.
...because they sneak or trick their way into the stands without paying?
Yes, their artistry is so touching it's enough to bring a lump to the throat, and tears to the eyes. But not, alas, cash to the wallet, which can be a problem. So we took a leaf out of the Ninja's book and engaged in some 'active financing'.
When you say active...
It's fairly simple. Did you hear about the Saluter's Black Orc, two pockets full of uppers, a whoopie cushion, and the footage taken by the nunnery's security cameras?
No, but it sounds like a great story!
It certainly is. And in return for you not hearing anything about it, we now have enough cash to buy some decent players in the Crush.
So, nothing can stop the Sinners now?
Actually there is one thing that could go horribly wrong. One dread prospect that keeps me up at night.
And that is?
The team could win their last two games, pulling us up from the bottom of the league, and denying us a decent pick.
Sounds like you're safe to me!
Thanks... Hey!
And now Howard, back to the stu-argh!
<static>
...And... we appear to have lost the connection just at the end there, but not to worry, because 'Chuckles' Omaha will back to conduct another interview, after the next Sinners game against the Argonauts. Until then!
Is your dog looking down in the mou-<click>
And now we turn a regular feature, as our intrepid reporter 'Chuckles' Omaha interviews the new manager of the Southland Sinners, 'Chewers' Monty, on his expectations for his next match against league hopefuls, the Argonauts.
So how do you see this match shaping up? Are you hoping for a win?
I think so, yes. We've managed a draw last time, and while we lost to the Ninjas, they are cup entrants who have been winning the majority of their games. I think we stand every chance against the Argonauts. It's not like we're doomed to lose against everyone.
It's not?.. I mean... no, of course not! But surely your opponents will have some say in that?
I'm sure they will, and we've been preparing for the match using the best that wits, determination, and well-placed bribery can provide.
You certainly have a well-spring of optimism. Good luck with the game!
<click> ...continues to deny all allegations.
And... hold on a moment... I've just been handed a bulletin...
This news just in! The Southlands Sinners have won, repeat won their first game. We now go to 'Chuckles' Omaha, on the scene-
<...>
What's that Chuck?
Sorry, I don't know if you can hear me above all the noise. I'm standing here at the Sinner's stadium in the torrential rain as the charred and shattered remains of stand 5 float down the street. Emergency services are doing what they can despite the worsening weather, but the carnage and mayhem is so widespread that it's going to be several hours yet before order is restored. Reports are coming in of two to three thousand casualties, including some of the best loved names in the Argonaut's roster. I've just caught sight of the Sinners coach, 'Chewers' Monty, and I'm going see if I can catch up... A few words, just a moment, a few words about the game?
Well I'm technically being held for questioning, but I don't think we're going anywhere for moment, so if the officers don't mind... No? Right then.
First reactions?
Well we won, so of course I'm pleased at the result, but the victory has been overshadowed by a much stronger emotion. The thing about a truly awful event is the way people pull together in the face of adversity.
You mean this terribly day has uncovered moments of selflessness and personal heroism?
Sort of. Let me set the scene. The rain started with the first kick off, and immediately made it difficult to move, impractical to throw or catch, and certainly impossible to run. But above all it made it so muddy that the ball was impossible to pick up. After each kick off the ball landed in the mud while a few players jumped on it, and just rolled around, trying to pick it up. It was set up to be really dull game. But the players really pulled through, ignoring the football and just trying to hurt eachother as much as possible. Classic stuff!
Um. I realise the weather made play difficult, but I was actually referring to the continuing riots, which...
And not only that, but people showed real ingenuity. I'd like to thank the cheerleaders for the imaginative things they can do with mud while bending all the way over backwards. And 'Day Care' Watson for showing that Argonaut star elven thrower really can't bend the same way, or at least not without some horrible snapping sounds...
Didn't he actually kill him doing that?
Well, technically. Clinically dead, certainly. But apothecaries are...
Wonderful people, yes. So in view of the difficult conditions, how did you actually score.
Well the first one we have to thank Parian Mahars, our star wood elf catcher, who put in a typical performance. He slipped past the opposition marking him, slid past the thrower trying to recover the ball, casually scooped up the ball, and dashed to the endzone to score.
A breathtaking display of skill and speed... that's bee
Whereupon the apparently 'lewd gestures' included in his victory dance led him to being sent off by the ref for unsportsman like conduct. A slight improvement of being knocked out for the entire match, but we're still not seeing more than a few minutes of this kid each match. And the Ninjas sending their Kroxigor off to pick up the ball, that was just classic. Here you have one the clumsiest players in the history of the sport, but under the conditions he had the same chance as everyone else plus he got to snap at anyone who got too close. Led to him impalling the ball on his claws by accident, and thus lumbering over the line. A score against us, but well deserved and very entertaining play. My only regret is he wasn't tempted to block Nit Omerond. We left the little guy out in the open several times, but he actually took the time to go around him. Maybe he's allergic to goblin?
Going back to Pariah Mahars being sent off... A controvertial decision that.
Well certainly the fans didn't like it. They got a little testy about it.
Testy.
Yes, you know. Heated. Upset.
They stormed the pitch and started rioting. In ensuing melee, 3 players were stunned, one knocked out, one badly hurt and one killed outright. Further fighting led to 2000 fan casualties, and total destruction of several stands.
They were due for renovation anyway. And it really gave us impetus for our second drive...
But the pointless waste of human life.
Not pointless, we won that drive!
Don't you feel any responsibility for the terrible cost...
Not really, I mean the turf got trashed, but it's our pitch so we'll have to pay to repair it.
No! I mean the cost in human life?
Well, yes and no. Part of the reason why things got so bad was because this was an Argonauts match.
You think the Argonauts fans started this?
No, at least I don't think so. From what I've heard our fans took to the pitch to protest about Parian Mahars. But this is the forth or fifth pitch invasion the Argonauts have suffered. They've had five players killed in this season alone, and that's with their own apothacary, and sometimes their opponents', working flat out to prevent casualties.
Are you saying they're what, cursed?
No, it's just that if you really really want to beat someone up, and you could only afford to go to one match this season, which fixture would you choose? After disappointing gates for most of the season, even when playing against popular teams, when playing the Argonauts we had a sell-out match and turned thousands of people away. And part of that was all the block bookings we had... 'Barney's discount mercenaries', 'Count Advar's Aggresson Therapy workshop', a small barbarian hoard working their way through college, a law school reunion for personal injuries lawyers. I'd say there's a faint but discernable pattern. People are starting to expect a fight wherever the Argonauts go. And because so people are keyed up to expect it, they're rarely disappointed.
So the Sinners had nothing to do with this terrible outcome?
No the Sinners weren't responsible for it happening in the first place. Of course we had a lot to do with the outcome. Almost all the casualties were Argonauts players and fans. But what people forget is that, despite our record, we have one of the largest, and certainly one of the most heavily armed, fan bases not just in our conference, but in the entire league. I've always felt pride for our fans, and with this latest result, I can feel pride for our players as well. Tempered of course, with the pain at the sheer cost of humanoid life.
Thank you, for a moment I thought you weren't going to express any concern at all for the thousands of casualities caused during the game.
I mean in the Krush. Now that we've actually won a game, my hopes of getting an ogre or troll or something have pretty much gone up in smoke. It's painful, but we have to move on.
And this is 'Chuckles' Omaha moving on back to the studio..
<click>
<click> ...that a growing dog needs. Now available in Chicken, Beef and new Goblin flavour!
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You ca-an't beat Me-aty Chips!"
And now back to our regular program...
Welcome back Blood Bowl fans! I'm 'Chuckles' Omaha here to interview the Manager of the Southland Sinners 'Chewers' Monty. Before the upcoming match between the Sinners and DR:EAM.
So are you confident about this match?
Well Dream are a very experienced team, they've given our conference leaders, the OverHyped Ninjas, a run for their money, and it's really too early to say what the result might be. We'll be playing at the DR"E:AM stadium, and I'll have my work cut out preventing the players from being intimidated by that.
Yes, the DRE:AM stadium really is a an impressive sight. Um.. Are you sure you are pronouncing that team correctly?
What D'R"EA:M!.. yes of course. Why?
Umm. I think it's DRE:AM.
D'R"EA:M
You're not doing that on purpose are you? It's DRE:AM. Try clearing your throat.
Ahem! D!R**E@A:M!
Never mind.
Well the stadium is impressive, yes, but not nearly as impressive as Georgio's hardware emporium.
We no... what?
Quality tools at bargain prices.
Um... are they by any chance... sponsoring your team?
well yes, but only because they care so much about the game.
... you did a deal with them didn't you?
I'm not sure what you're talking about. Georgio's is a fine establishment with a generous discount policy. Why, fans going to the next match will get a 75% off any bandsaws, hacksaws, chainsaws, chisels, axes or drills!
Why would you?...
Although we've asked all fans NOT to bring all these implements to the actual match, as we wouldn't anything to happen to that fine stadium...
You're trying to encourage vandalism live on air, aren't you?
...And particularly nothing to happen to the supporting timbers of the stadium...
You're jealous of their stadium, aren't you?
...which are marked in red on these maps, which we'll be distributing free before each game, just so our fans know what to avoid.
Why don't you just buy your own stadium?
I don't know what you're talking about! It's certainly nothing to me that they have a big stadium and we don't. It not like the coaches get together between games and compare the sizes of their grounds...
Um..
...or that I'm made to feel inadequate because we don't have a big upthrust structure of a stadium, throbbing with noise of a vast crowd.
Are you sure it's the players who feel intimidated by their stadium?
Six and half in- I mean 65000 is plenty of capacity! We don't need the nine and half - I mean the 95000 that you get in a great... big... stadium!
And on that note, I think-
It not the size of your grounds, it's what you do with it that counts!
I think we'd best get back to the studio...
...and we join 'Chuckles' Ohmaha as he interviews the coach of the Southland Sinner 'Chewers' Monty after an unexpected victory over cup hopefuls, DREAM.
2-1 against conference rivals DREAM. That's got to feel good?
Well it's certainly wasn't the result we were expecting. It was a good sharp match with plenty of action. A little light on casualties, and not nearly enough fan violence, but you can't have everything.
How you would describe the Dream style of play?
Oh, they have a very light and fast style. Their main blitzer is a witch elf. She may not knock you over first time, but she'll keep on at you in frenzy until she does. That compared with a prestigious speed meant that they could break through our lines very reliably.
Impressive. So what went wrong?
Well, it was a little confusing, because we generally do exactly the same thing, breaking through the line, only we use 'Daycare' Watson backed up by our ghoul catcher.
Hold on, that ghoul is a catcher?
Technically.
But he can't really catch the ball.
Not well.
And he's big, slow and muscular.
Yes, but the League rules have a loophole. Apparently steroids are only illegal if you take them yourself. Getting someone else to take them, and then eating them, is fine.
Ah... are you sure about that?
You're welcome to ask him all about it, but I'd appreciate it if you inject yourself with this, before going in... No?
Um... never mind. So you were both using the same tactic, and could both break through the other's line.
Yes, with ease. Which led to a dilemma, of whether to try and hold the line, break off and chase the opposition catcher, or go after the opposition thrower. A team might be able to do two of these things at most. We took the right decisions at the right time, whether through luck or judgment, and that really paid off.
Looking back at the footage, it really was a lightning quick game, with strong dashing performances from both sides. Any highlights?
Well sacking their thrower in first few minutes was a classic play.
Yes in retrospect that seemed like a serious miscalculation by Dream, in putting the thrower close enough to the scrimmage line to be reached.
Oh definitely a miscalculation, yes.
Although it's amazing how your player managed to cover so much ground so quickly.
Well he's a gnoll, and they have a great burst of speed when properly motivated. They also have a great sense of smell.
Sense of smell?
Yes. You see he has a soft spot for one of our cheerleaders. And by amazing coincidence, she'd been giving a bit of 'encouragement' to the DREAM thrower a few minutes before the game. And by equally amazing coincidence, I stationed our gnoll on the scrimmage line directly opposite him, and downwind...
She was... seeing an opposition player! Isn't that, disloyalty?
Well, you have to plan for the weaknesses of the squad you have. I wouldn't expect deep philosophy from a troll, acrobatics from a dwarf, rippling muscles from an elf, or fidelity from a cheerleader. You have to plan around these things. In this case you have to plan on about a dozen flowers, some semi-literate poetry, and an invitation to a rendezvous just before the start of the match.
So you sent her fake love letters? You set him up?
Well, he could have been a gentleman and told her that he hadn't sent her anything and didn't know why she was there, but I figured he was a ball player, and I guess I was right.
For you second touchdown, you tried to use DayCare Watson himself as the ball carrier?
Yes, that was a strange one. We broke through using a classic halfling gambit of simply getting as many potential catchers through towards the endzone as possible. They sacked one lineman, and surrounded our two catchers, but we managed a throw in spite of this and pushed on to score. That was an odd play, because contrary to popular wisdom we just pushed the throw almost back to our own endzone to protect him, and rather than boxing the catcher, we just spread our players out as widely as possible so they couldn't all be caught.
Is that a play you're likely to use again?
Possibly. The problem is that it relies on winning the scrimmage line. Also we had a real problem when our wood elf catcher, Pariah Mahars, realised the ball wasn't being thrown to him, but to 'DayCare' Watson. So he intercepted it. 'DayCare' Watson got upset and chased him all the way to the endzone.
So that tight guarding of the ball carrier that all the commentators were praising...
Was 'DayCare' Watson trying to catch up with Pariah Mahars and beat the stuffing out of him, with Pariah staying just out of reach the whole time. I may have to separate those two in future.
Any comments on the end of the season?
Well the big disaster has been the victory over Dream. That's pretty much ended my chances of getting someone decent in the Crush, and puts us in difficult position going into next season. And floods and riots of the Argonauts game, entertaining though they were, have badly damaged the pitch. But I've got to say I'm looking forward to next year. We're in a good conference, we have some interesting games ahead of us. We have Dream for light fast games, Ninjas for heavy slugging games, and the Argonauts for those times when only maximum casualties will do.
But above all, we have something special, something that no other team in the conference has...
What's that?
'Nit Omerod for player's player' teeshirts, armbands and souvenir mugs. See this one is an 'ugly mug' because it has his face on it. That took some doing I can tell you. And this shirt is a sickly green colour and says 'I voted for Nit'.
Nit Omerond? The Goblin? As player's player?
Sure why not? There is always the balance between voting for your favourite, and not wanting to give a boost to someone else's star player. Well, there is no safer player to vote for than Nit, right? Even if he wins. he'll still be small and green and ogre bait... Vote Nit!
And with that...
Vote Nit! Vote Nit!
And with that, we go back to the studio...
<click> -for that big occasion, try Mable n' Able's Halfling caterers. For food that's good because we care about food. (Local taxes, terms and conditions apply, 10% delivery charge applies to deliveries over 3 tons.)
For those of you just joining us, it's now time for a regular feature, as 'Chuckles' Ohmaha interviews 'Chewers' Monty, coach of the Southland Sinners. Once bottom of their conference and nearly bottom of the entire league, with the advent of their new coach they have won their second game in a row, this time against cup hopefuls DREAM. We join 'Chuckles' as he asks the Sinners' coach for retrospective on the reversal of fortunes that has lifted the Sinner from the bottom of the league.
Well it was all very different when I started of course. Apart from a few stars the players were surprisingly green. They'd been making do with temporary coaches up until then, and so they didn't really have any sense of acting as a team. I'd not coached at a professional league level before,
You'd had no experience whatsoever?
Oh, I'd coached some of the early incarnations of the sport, back when the game was basically a combat exercise with the ball as a sort of inconvenient afterthought, and the bullet throw was a popular tactic just to gain an extra player to commit fouls with.
An approach you've stuck with, I see.
And I stayed with the game when the move was made to dungeonball, with doors, corridors, pit traps, dummy explosive balls, spiked balls... happy days.
Would you like to see a move back to underground arenas?
Well, it's good fun, but I do feel it lacks a certain something. When I left they'd started introducing more weapons, and wandering monsters on the pitch, and I felt some of the vital 'football' element was really being lost.
Do you think this experience is why you were chosen as coach for the Sinners?
It's possible. Certainly I was fond of a throwing and running game back then, even though packs of armoured dwarves made up most of the successful teams. I took that approach with to the Sinners, a team that was essentially fielding a thrower, a catcher, and nine speed bumps, with spectacular results.
You lost.
Yes, spectacularly. 1-4 to the Overhyped Ninjas. The modern league has challenges that are all it's own, and I didn't really know what I was doing. We had a lopsided stadium, injured players, lineman who weren't being given a chance to shine. When I arrived the sign on my door said 'Couch', which I think says it all.
After losing that first game, and drawing the second, the Sinner went on to win their next two matches. So how did you reverse this trend?
My instinct was to grab at anything that wasn't nailed down. The Ninjas seemed to be a good side, so we took on their tactics wholesale. The principle of maintaining a line across the pitch, the step-back from the scrimmage line, both were basically ripped from the Ninja's playbook.
Are you planning to use any other Ninja plays?
Well, their other tactics we tried didn't work so well. The idea of a blocking drive, whereby you send two or three players to just push and block their way through the line, creating stresses that either let you break through there or somewhere else, looked great when the Ninjas did it, but were a disaster when we tried it ourselves.
You didn't have the same level of coordination and teamwork?
No, we didn't have Nik Nak, their ogre blocker. Continuous blocking works great when you have a guy who can beat anyone and never falls down. Particularly if you have blitzers and blockers elsewhere. There is plenty said about the skillful Ninja running game, and they deserve credit for that, but part of the reason that works is that they have a heavier line-up than anyone else in their conference. What they're really good at is micro-managing the scrimmage line, and the training they've gone for reflects that.
Your second game was against the Saluters. Was that a very different experience?
Not really. In fact the coach of the Saluters was this thin guy with a pointy beard who looks awfully similar to Ninja's coach. The plays were new, mainly boxing the ball carrier and 'safe' blocking plays, but the coach didn't seem happy or confident using them. We drew, but I really think we could have won that game. As it was, we didn't make good use of our good luck, and got hammered on our bad luck. Gregory Razorback collapsing as he reached the touchdown line is the play that everyone remembers, but the truth is that most of the game was made up plays that didn't work out, on both sides.
A disappointing game then.
In retrospect, a missed opportunity, but at the time I was really happy with some of the new plays we'd been developing. The 'Goblin in the middle' play started just because, well, I don't really like Goblins, and figured it would be funny to make them go splat. But it's been refined into a really successful play. And we make a killing selling footage of our Goblin being stomped on. It's a great sacrificial play.
Couldn't you a zombie or skeleton or something?
Sure, but Goblins are funnier.
Doesn't Nit Omerond object at being treated like this?
Sure, he complains about it. We sell footage of that too. Of course he gets 15% of sales, making him the single best-paid goblin in the entire league, and probably the most famous. I think he'll sign up for another season. The thing is, when you're Nit's size, it doesn't really matter whether the guy knocking you down is an ogre or an elf.
Any new plays you're working on?
I've been experimenting with some halfling plays that I think could really make a difference.
well that sounds... Halfling?
Sure. The little guys have weak, vulnerable players, can't hold a scrimmage line, and although they have some decent throwers and catchers, they generally get flattened.
Same as the Southland Sinners...
The similarities just leap out at you, don't they? So any game that those halflings actually won must have used some pretty special tactics, right? Besides, reviewing all the games halfling teams won didn't take very long, and had footage of lots of little guys going splat, so I figured, why not?
You must have been pretty desperate.
More that I was bored on a rainy afternoon. And it gave me a whole set of new plays for the Argonauts game.
Did they work?
Couldn't try them. Too much rain. Heck, we could barely pick up the ball.
Ah yes, this was the game where neither side could pick up the ball, so they settled for flattening eachother until a riot injured and killed several players.
Brings back memories of the good old days. But you, know, it was an Argonauts match. That means people die. Without skilled medical attention they would have suffered far more than the five fatalities they've had this season.
So you tried them out in the your last match, against DREAM?
Yes, it worked really well. DREAM force a very aggressive style of play, comes of planning plays around that witch elf blitzer. They really push the pace, and while that leads to some spectacular breakthroughs, such as that touchdown they did score, it leaves them light on the defence. We sacked their thrower twice, their witch elf once, and when they started throwing a box around their receiver, we managed to break that too. Luck played a big part, of course, and in the end the scoreline was pretty tight, but in general I'm happy about how things are going. We've got the flexibility to push different styles of play in different situations, and that's proving valuable.
We're also learning a lot from our opponents. DREAM were very good in making breakthroughs, and I'd like to see how their ideas stack up again the Ninjas, who tend to keep a line across the pitch at all costs. Similarly, the Argonauts showed me a thing or two about managing a ball carrier, by keeping people as moving support rather than just trying to block every potential blitzer in sight, and I'd like to see if I can put that into action myself. As for myself, I'm relying too much on individual players, using Day Care Watson for every blitz, and Pariah Mahars for every catch, when a lineman might be better placed to do the job.
What are your hopes for the Crush?
Well, winning the last two games has pretty much ended my chances of getting anything really great in the Crush, like an ogre or troll. So a lot will depend on what's available. I'd like a backup to my thrower or catcher, or anyone big and strong. There's a weakness in the scrimmage lineup that I'd like to plug. In general though, I've got my own ideas about what makes a really great Blood Bowl player, but with six or seven teams picking before me, I'm going to keep them to myself.
Any hints?
Well, let's just say if a decent halfling blitzer turns up, there might be some surprises...
Or possibly some riots. And with that, back to the studio...