Savage Land Broadcasts
Today, we shall be talking to head coach Mr Grrr’aaaaar’lraghgl Jones of the Pain Corporation.
Hold on Jerry! Can we just call him Mr Jones?
Why?
Well, you try saying his first name quickly. I’d be better off by ripping my throat out!
Alright, alright, alright! Now where was I? Ah yes…today we will be interviewing Mr Jones, head coach of the PAIN Corporation.
Erm Jerry… before we talk to Mr Jones in person, why don’t we go over the history of the PAIN Corporation proper.
Good idea Tom!
So, who ARE the PAIN Corporation Jerry?
Well Tom, The Pain Corporation or The Powerful and Innovative Networks Corporation, is a hugely “bureaucratic” organisation who…
Hold on, hold on! How can you call a group of Orcs AND Ogres “bureaucratic”? I mean fair enough they all wear suits to their "meetings", ill fitting ones at that, but I mean have YOU ever seen an Orc OR an Ogre devoted to the details of administrative procedure? No way, I don’t think so!
Erm Tom… remember that journalist?
v
What? Oh yes…….I think I’ll shut up now.
Yes you do that. Anyway, the Pain Corporation are based in Severed Head in Southern Glandula.
Hey!
Now what Tom. This had better be good!
It is! Look I had a friend who’s been to Severed Head.
Really Tom, why should I believe you?
Look, I have, and he did. He even sent me a postcard.
Well…
Well he said it was an alright place. That’s if you could ignore all the corruption, extortion and loan sharking going on!
So does he plan to go back again?
Well that’s the thing he hasn’t come back from his holiday yet…and that was 5 years ago.
Oh…
Yes...well…
Anyway the Corporation is widely believed to have its fingers and hands in too many pockets for its own good.
So who’s the head honcho, the top dog, the main man, the big boss?
I don’t know….I don’t think anyone does….
Oh….
Why don’t you ask Mr Jones? He’s here now…
No…I think I’ll give that one a miss…
OK then…anyway…Lets give a warm welcome to Mr Jones from the PAIN Corporation.
‘Ello.
So…er…Mr Jones…Lets begin by asking you…Who are you and what do you do at the PAIN Corporation?
Dat is a silly question cos you jus' called me Mr Jones and dat is my name. Actually, my name is Grrr'aaaaar'lraghgl but you 'umans 'ave trouble wiv dat sort o' pronun... pronounc... wiv dem simple words.
Oh great! This is gonna be a really EASY interview!
Wot’s dat?
Oh nothing…
Anyways, you c'n call me Mr Jones, but you 'ave to emphasise der Mr part cos I 'ave a suit.
So…Mr Jones…first off let me say that Tom and myself are delighted to have you here as our guest today.
Well, it is my pl’sure to be ‘ere today. Now wot’s your furst propa question?
Well…erm…(shuffles papers)…right…here we go…so…Mr Jones...in your opinion what experience do you, as a coach, bring to the Pain Corp and the league as a whole?
Well to answer your question Jerry…None, I 'aven't been involved wiv der Blood Bowl before. I am int'rested wiv all der bits of der Corp'rashun's activities and dis bit o' business allows der potential for pers'nal growth.
I’d say you’re big enough already!
Wots dat you saying?
Oh nothing Mr Jones, nothing.
Before we move on I should really ask…You ARE a Troll aren’t you?
WOT?! YES! I is a troll, you cheeky 'uman, but I is a clever troll, not like dem bonehead fickos wot you see in der market and der uvver places. I is a s'phiscitapi…sophistima…
Sophisticated?
Who?
You!
No…I’s is a fancy guy! Can’t you see I’s is wearing this suit!?
Oh!...Sorry…
Now den wots y'ur next question?
Yes what’s next…oh yes…Why did you decide to join the PAIN Corporation and become head coach?
………(becomes obvious that Mr Jones is reading something that he wrote on his hand)
I got der job because... der Corp'rashun... rewards... dem workers... wot work 'ard for dem. I 'ave... worked 'ard... for dem. I... am... toffee?
Toffee?!
Torrid?...Turgid?
Terrified?
WOT!! WHO!
ME!
Terrible?
Nah… I…I is…(squinting)....I is……terribly ‘appy!
Ahhhh!
Right! So apart from being terribly happy with your new position, what is your approach to tactics this season?
Tic-tacs? Oh yeah…I 'ave 'eard of der tic-tacs and I is comf'table wiv der method wot we use. Der fact is dat my team is great at der direct game cos I got der coaches off dat place next to der fingy wot told me all 'bout dis. Der swords woz difficult to find but we got der bendy ones.
Swords?!!
Bendy ones??!!
Wots wrong, wot did I say?!
Err…nothing. So…who is going to be your main ball carrier this season?
Der Wot?! (scratches head) Wot you talkin’ ‘bout now??
You know…THE BALL.
Wots dat?
Oh…nevermind! Lets move on shall we?
Dats fine…my ‘ead woz startin’ to ‘urt from all dooze complexifed questions!
OK..lets me ask you something easy then shall we? Do you have any tips for your rival coaches out there?
Dats too easy! Yes..as a matter o’fact I do. Wot I 'ave learnt is a great deal wot can fill der pamphlet. I fink dat dey should play like der halfling teams wot lose cos den we will kill dem.
So apart from trying to murder the other conferences what dangers do you see in your own conference?
Dem fairy boys in dem sparkly hair products might pose some freat. Dat bloke wot dances and dat one wiv der mousetrap is easy wot dealin' wiv. I 'ave some o' dem tic-tacs to deal wiv der ventuali... even... fings wot could 'appen. But none o' dem boys 'as der sheer talent dat my boys 'ave. My boys is 'uge!
Really! Thats REALLY interesting....
Wot you tryin' to say, 'UMAN!
Oh...nothing....really!
Good, fur a moment dere I t'ought dat you woz tryin' to say I's is stupid!
I'd NEVER do that!
Dat's wot I t'ought!
Right...Well...that just about wraps things up today. Thank you very much Mr Jones for taking the time to come chat with us a here at SLB…
My pl'sure…
None taken…
Huh? Wot?
Nothing!
Anyway, next week we hope to be talking to more coaches and will be bringing you the lowdown on the refs YOU should be watching this season! So it’s goodbye from me!
And its goodbye from him!
Goodbye!